What Worked Once
by Lorde Shadowz
Summary: What if Harry found another use for polyjuice? What if the Dursleys hadn't squashed all his prankster tendencies? And what if Slytherin cunning, the Weasley twins, a bit of illegal potion, and a helpful house elf was all it took to off Voldemort?


What Worked Once

AN: I do not own the characters, places, or anything else; do I look like J. K. Rowling? Also, while I do my best to fact check, spell check, etc, some may slip through, as I am writing this to help me work out the kinks in my latest chapter of Phoenix Burning. Sorry if there are any errors; please tell me if there are.

It came upon him one day when he was sitting in the library, trying to think up the latest crop of nonsense for his Divination homework. Just the merest, ludicrous ghost of an idea. But it was more interesting to consider than his so-called dream journal, which he hadn't even started, so he sat back and began to think in earnest. "Hermione?" he said at length.

Said bookworm jumped a little in her chair, causing her to let fall an expanded edition of _Spirals, Equations, and the Magic of Numbers_ onto her lap. "Well? What is it, Harry?"

"Just curious- does it _have _to be hair to set off a polyjuice potion?"

"No." Hermione gave her friend a suspicious look before continuing. "It can be anything, really- that's why Wizarding barbers have to take magical oaths before they can set up shop, and why you're supposed to destroy your toenail clippings the minute you finish trimming your nails. Why?"

"Oh, just a random thought." Harry bent back over the messy pile of papers in front of him, seeming to be fully intent on studying. After a few moments, Hermione went back to her book, and they just sat in silence for the rest of the afternoon.

Only, had anyone looked over at the two of them, it would have been immediately apparent that Harry was thinking something entirely unrelated to Divination, or classes in general.

At first the idea had simply been a daydream, but after a full week of stewing over it, Harry was starting to think it was a good idea. Well, to amend that, not a _good _idea, per say- it was so rash that it surpassed "Gryffindorish" in favor of "insane". But the idea of actually trying to pull it off was intoxicating. And who said it was impossible? Stupid, yes. Convoluted? Overcomplicated? Really, really far fetched? Well, yes. But effective? Perhaps. He _would_, however need help. Fortunately, he knew just how to go about finding it.

"Fred? George?"

Identical ginger-haired heads popped up. "Yes?"

"Harrikins, dear,"

"-how may we help you?"

Harry's grin was positively manic. "How good are you guys at brewing potions?"

"What"

"-are you thinking of?"

"And, more importantly,"

"-why?"

Harry's smile widened. "In here," he said, pulling them into the Rooms of Requirement. "Tell me," he continued, once they all got situated and supplied with cookies, "What do you think about pranking Voldemort?"

"Tell us more!" both twins chorused at once. The smile on Harry's face transformed into a malicious smirk.

"Oh, very well," Harry told them, adopting a lofty tone. "I never got around to telling you this, but in my second year Ron, Hermione, and I thought that Draco was the heir of Slytherin. We wanted to find out if that was actually the case, so instead of doing the smart thing and slipping him a truth serum or a Babbling Beverage, we brewed polyjuice in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom and used it to sneak into the Slytherin Common Room."

The twins were staring at him open-mouthed.

"And I think my acting skills have improved," Harry continued. "I was just thinking 'hey, if it worked once...'"

"That,"

"Dear Harrikins,"

"Is the most awesome"

"-and most stupid"

"-plan ever."

"How can we help!" They both chorussed.

Harry laughed. "Hermione brewed the potion before, with just a little help from us; somehow I don't think she'd be willing to do it again for this. So if I get the ingredients, can you brew me some?"

"Your wish,"

"-is our command."

"We'll get right on it!"

And then the twins ran off, arm in arm, while Harry went to go owl-order the extra potion ingredients.

The next few days were a flurry of activity for Harry. He has Quiddich, homework, a Hogsmeade weekend, and many other things too...and he was also trying to figure out how he could possibly get some of Voldemort's blood or something, to activate the polyjuice that the twins had covertly brewed. Finally, he had to ask the twins.

"Fred, George, is there any way you can think to get anything of Voldie's to activate the potion?"

"I dunno."

"Maybe ask the house elves? They won't tell."

Harry stared at them for a moment, and then burst into a lopsided grin. "House elves! Right, that'll definitely work. Dobby?"

A long-eared, green skinned creature popped into existence with a happy "Hello master Harry Potter sir!"

"Hello Dobby," Harry replied happily. "Tell me, if I ask you to do something, will being bonded to Hogwarts stop you?"

"Hogwarts only hurts you if you hurts it. I cans do what yous be wanting."

"Umm, can you get past Wizarding wards?"

"Yes Harry Potter sir."

"So if I ask you to get some of Voldemort's blood or his fingernail clippings or something, could you do it without being hurt?"

"Elveses haves magics for that, Harry Potter sir. I can get what yous be wanting."

Harry grinned widely. "Then please could you do it, especially without being seen? I need enough for four doses of polyjuice."

"I be doing it, Harry Potter sir," Dobby shot back, popping away.

It was a week from that day when the potion was finally ready, what with having to order or gather most of the ingredients (and then have the twins make it). And Harry was bubbling like a cauldron on high heat by the time it was ready. At last, it was Saturday, and the twins were in the Rooms of Requirement with Harry, Fred ladling polyjuice into a hip flask something like the one used by Mad Eye Moody while George handed Harry a goblet of cooled potion.

They both stopped to look at him as he raised it.

"Dobby?" He called again. A loud pop followed the words, and suddenly the bubbly little elf was standing in front of him.

"You called, master Harry Potter sir?"

"Yeah, can you pop a wizard anywhere?"

"Yes, I's can."

"Does it have to be somewhere you've been before?"

"No master Harry Potter sir."

"Then can you take me to Riddle Manor when I tell you to? I'm going to polyjuice into Voldemort, and then I'll need to get the real Voldemort out of the way- I'll need you to take me to the manor."

"I cans be making Voldy asleep," Dobby suggested. Harry clapped his hands. "Please do!"

Dobby giggled and popped out, while Harry raised the goblet again. "Tell me if I'm creepy enough," he told the twins, and then dropped in the fingernail clipping and tried not to think about ingesting something that contained the Dark Lord's fingernails. The polyjuice turned black with an ugly oily greenish purple sheen, like an oil slick; Harry closed his eyes, pinched his nose, and gulped it down, almost being sick when the taste- burning tires and rotting things- hit the back of his throat. And then he doubled over, magic searing through him...

There was complete silence once he straightened up. Harry shook off his now ripped robes, yanked his feet out of his shoes, and pulled the glasses off his head before standing up and wobbling around the room. Ever so gradually, he fell into step, unconsciously adopting Voldemort's mannerisms, from all his previous visions. The holly and phoenix feather wand twirled like a baton in his spidery pale fingers. Finally he turned around.

"How do I look?"

"Um..."

"You're very ugly."

"And very evil."

"Just missing the goatee."

"In other words-"

"You look stunning, M'Lord."

"_Rictemsembra_" Harry said lazily, and both of them collapsed giggling. "I will not have my loyal followers...ridicule me."

"We're very sorry, My Lord," they said, both at once.

"We'd never presume-"

"-to expound on your lovely looks-"

"Or insult you-"

"-in any way."

It was to this scene that Dobby came back to.

"Voldie be tied up now, and sleeping," the elf announced, "and this be his wand." He handed Harry the yew wand. "Would you be wanting to go now, Harry Potter sir?"

Harry fingered his nemesis's wand, and a thrill of warmth ran through his fingers. It wasn't his, but it'd be enough for his purposes, especially if he had to _crucio _or cast unforgivables on anyone. "Yeah, thank you so much."

Dobby's bulging tennis-ball eyes shimmered. "The great Harry Potter thanked Dobby..." Harry couldn't even get a word in edgewise before the elf was clinging to his legs, crying. Harry awkwardly hugged him. Finally, he straightened. "I need to get to Riddle Manor."

The twins started. "Wait," began Fred (or was it George?)

"If you're actually going to go through with this," continued George (or Fred)

"We're going with."

"No!" Harry's vehement protest sounded odd in Voldemort's high, thin voice.

"Why ever not?" Asked Fred (or George). "If we borrow your invisibility cloak, we'll be safe."

"And we are absolutely not leaving you without backup."

"Plus, we don't want to miss the fun."

"And we can apparate."

"So you'd be stupid to refuse our help."

"Plus, we want to bag some Death Eaters!"

Harry sighed. He didn't want to lead anyone into battle, but they _were _technically of age, and he hadn't actually figured on getting transportation from Riddle Manor. He didn't think Stan Shunpike would allow Voldemort on the Knight Bus... "Fine." He said abruptly. "But you better be careful. I don't want anyone to get hurt...except for Death Eaters, obviously."

"Wouldn't dream of it-"

"-Lord Harrymort."

Harry sighed, then pulled his cloak out of the pockets of his robes and handed it to them, then had Dobby bring him some plain black adult-sized robes and packed the flask of polyjuice in his robes with his wand. Then the three of them snuck out using the cloak, map, and liberal disillusion charms, making plans in hushed voices, while at the same time trying to avoid Filch and Snape. The plans boiled down to essentially that Harry would distract the Death Eaters while the twins would set things up. Finally, with trepidation, they snuck out the Whomping Willow passageway.

From outside the Hogwarts wards, Dobby popped them to the courtyard at Riddle Manor, and then inside. Once there, Harry plopped down lazily on Voldemort's throne-like chair, while the twins carefully concealed themselves, with charms as well as the cloak. Harry took a deep breath, remembering all his visions...

"WORMTAIL!"

Peter Pettigrew came panting into the room at a run, fear painted all over his rat-like and unlovely face. "M-my Lord?"

"I have the most...ingenious plan. Your left arm, please?" It was not a request.

Pettigrew squeaked- actually squeaked- and held out his arm, trembling. "Voldemort" pressed the yew wand against it, and a flare of warmth ran along it.

Death Eaters began apparating in in minutes. They were quick, "Voldemort" would give them that.

"Welcome," "Voldemort" began in what was probably meant to be a noble tone, marred only by his voice still being messed up by his recent resurrection. Harry had learned his lessons well. "I know that this call is...unexpected, but I trust it is not unwanted." Lucius Malfoy, as well as a few others, flinched at that. "I have most excellent news." He fell silent, as if daring the Death Eaters to ask "what news". In reality, he was trying to deal with the uncontrollable tremors in his hands. Slowly, as if bored, he began to twirl the wand like a baton, like the young Tom Riddle had done in the chamber. He couldn't think of what to say!

"What news?" Bellatrix asked, in an obviously flirtatious way. Harry felt sick.

"_Crucio_." The spell was very light compared with those that the actual Voldemort would cast, but it got the point across. "I'm in no mood to hear you speak out of turn."

Bellatrix simply got up, grey eyes gleaming with fanaticism.

"As I was saying, I have most excellent news. News that shall have the Wizarding world helpless in our grasp. I have found a way to get past the pathetic blood wards that surround the 'Chosen One' and soon we will not even need the prophecy in the Department of Mysteries. I will be all powerful, and my chosen, my loyal, shall hold court with me. At least...those who are truly loyal." Was it his imagination, or did Snape flinch at the phrase 'truly loyal'?

"I have discovered a traitor in our midst. Luciusss, what do you have to say for yourself?"

Lucius Malfoy cowered. "I do not- I am loyal to only you, my Lord."

"Then WHY did you slip that Weasley chit MY diary! My SOUL is not a weapon!"

Gasps. "Voldemort's" face transfixed itself into a horrible snarl. "_Crucio_!" He paused. Harry could never actually cast that spell right; he hated inflicting pain. Bellatrix was an exception, as she had killed Sirius, and he presumed he could probably work up enough hatred to cast it on Umbridge. But even if Lucius was a total slimeball, he wasn't worth _that _much hatred. Still, it would have looked odd if Voldemort had let him off with nothing. "_Incarcerus_," "Voldemort" continued, eyes narrowed. "I think Bellatrix might enjoy a new toy after we're done here..."

The Death Eaters stared at him. And it was at that moment that fireworks, and stunners, began to fly, together with assorted prank spells. In about five minutes, two Death Eaters Harry didn't recognize were the only ones left standing. "Voldemort" calmly stupified said Death Eaters, while the twins began tying the others up, hitting them with extra _stupifies_ And then the door, which had been ajar, creaked all the way open. It was Nagini.

*_What isss thisss?* _She hissed. *_I sssmell sssneaks. Massster? Why are your followersss down?*_

_*Sssucksss to be you, rat-breath* "_Voldemort" told her, stifling a giggle- he'd always wanted to say that to the vicious snake. _*Time to die now*_

_*Massster?!"_

_*Your massster is down along with the ressst of thessse dunderheadsss,* _"Voldemort" told her calmly. Famous last words. Nagini hissed in outrage and plunged at him, jaws unhinging.

_*No need to get pissy with me*_, said "Voldemort", sidestepping the snake's attack. It seemed that pure shock was bringing out any impudence Harry might have inherited from James.

Nagini spat a tirade of words in parcelmouth that, roughly translated, meant something like "you miserable dweller in dung, having no father and a mudfish for a dam, may you be always without sun to warm yourself and may you feed upon maggots and things that grow foul with rot." "Voldemort" grabbed a chair and cracked her over the head with it, oblivious to the fact that Snape, the only Death Eater that the twins had not hogtied and then gift-wrapped, was beginning to stir.

*_yo__u ssslithering double crosssing two-leg! Where is my massster? What have I done wrong?* _Nagini wailed. _*I just came in for a sssnack.*_

Harry had a horrible feeling about what that "snack" might be. He might have answered, but there wasn't really much to say, so he just smacked her with the chair again, this time hitting her fragile skull with a satisfying crack. Snape, who had risen wand in hand, was watching the entire scene wide-eyed, if Snape could be wide-eyed. The twins, under cover of disillusionment charms, were whimsically affixing bows to the unconscious Death Munchers, and directing Dobby to pop them to the ministry.

Nagini writhed for a few moments, her thick, muscular body flopping against "Voldemort's" legs, and then was still. "Voldemort" took a deep breath, setting down the chair...and then doubled over in pain.

The twins were instantly at his side.

"Were you bitten?"

"Were you cursed?"

"Are you ok?"

"DO I BLOODY WELL LOOK OK?" Harry asked, his voice wobbling and cracking awkwardly as the potion started to wear off. The words he was about to say next trailed off into a scream as his skin started melting and his bones cracking, and he began to convulse. And then it was over, and he was swimming in too large robes.

A moment's silence. And then: "Potter?!"

Harry groaned and buried his face in his hands. The _last _thing he needed was to deal with Snape.

"Y-yes, Professor?"

"What the _Hell _were you thinking!" Snape roared. "I take it that you attempted to impersonate the _Dark Lord_?! With nothing by Messirs Weasley for backup! You imbecile!"

"Hey!" said both Weasley twins at the same time.

Harry sighed, exhausted by the whole experience, as well as the wear and tear the polyjuice had wreaked on his body. "Well, it worked once before..."

Snape's eyebrows rose. "Oh?" He still sounded incandescent with rage.

And at this point Harry face-palmed. "Oh crap." His luck had officially run out. Voldemort had nothing on Snape on a bad day.


End file.
